A Hard Slog Through Lack in Search of Abundance
Joy is the energy of integrity
Lately I’m being dragged through the mud of one of my old belief systems so that it can be exposed and dismantled. It's been loads of fun. Join me, won’t you?
I grew up learning that the kingdom of God operates on a system of multiplication, not division, and the catalyst for abundance is often our own obedience to give.
“Bring your tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house, and see if I don’t open the windows of heaven so wide and pour out so much blessing upon you that you cannot contain it.”
Malachi 3:10
“Give and it shall be given unto you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over shall men give into your lap. For the measure that you use it shall be measured back to you.”
Luke 6:38
“…And my God shall supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4, specifically verse 19
Then there are the stories: the widow who made food for Elijah out of the very last of what she had, and the Lord caused her oil and flour to never run out again; the little boy giving his five loaves and two fish to Jesus who then causes this tiny offering to feed hordes of people with scads of food leftover; etc.
I know, at least in my mind, the power of God to multiply when we add our willingness to give what we have – and sometimes the last of what we have – to him.
There’s also this verse, which is truly one of my favorites, but with which I’ve struggled the most:
“Let each one give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
2 Corinthians 9:7
Now the struggle of years, and my journey out of it:
All of my life I’ve known that I am not required to give toward every ask that is made of me. Instead I am “required” to be obedient to the leading of the Holy Spirit. I also should not be giving reluctantly or because I feel like I have to… BUT. But if I don’t want to give, then that’s probably precisely when I need to give, because we all know an unwillingness to give can only come from the flesh and the flesh is bad, so in order kill the flesh, I need to give my way past that feeling of “I don’t want to.”
All of my life I’ve practiced giving my way out of the feeling of not wanting to give. Far from being an act of self-discipline that produces peace, this lifestyle has resulted in me feeling an immediate, strong anxiety and pressure every time an opportunity or and idea for giving arise. I “know” that I should give, and then I do it. And the giving doesn’t feel good and afterward I don’t feel good, but I “know” that I’ve done the “right” thing, because the right thing isn’t supposed to feel good because the desire to feel good is of the flesh and the flesh is of the devil. Got that?
BUT. Lately I’ve been spending time learning about how abundance, provision, and generosity really work in the kingdom of God, and it turns out that the way I’ve been approaching it all this time is bass-ackwards. It turns out that when the Bible says “don’t give reluctantly or under compulsion, but be a cheerful giver” it’s not saying “change your attitude! How dare you feel reluctant? Be cheerful!” It’s saying “if the opportunity for giving presented to you doesn’t align with your joy, you’ll know, because you’ll feel reluctant or like you have to. Those are the times you don’t give! God’s favorite thing is when you give in alignment with joy, because that’s what his kingdom is made from!” And news flash: joy feels GOOD. Joy is what doing what is right and correct for me feels like.
Old me: “what?? But feelings only come from the flesh and if we’re walking according to the flesh and being led about by our feelings then we’re not walking by faith!"
Newer me: “ohhhhh snap. Isn’t that the belief system that had me being led about by the feelings of fear and anxiety? As if that was the ‘right’ way to do it? Sounds like the most insidious deception now that I really look at it. What a racket.”
So recently I had an idea for giving. It was not a bad idea. It was a great idea. But the fear and pressure jumped on me so strongly, and I was aware enough of how this would end up (with me giving and then feeling *not good* about it, though bravely but misguidedly telling myself that I did what I should have), that I went “Lord! What the heck?? Do you want me to NOT give this?? Ok, fine. I won’t. But if I get to the place and you DO want me to give it, I have the money, and I’ll do it.” So I go on my merry little way and I’m in the sauna at my favorite health spa, eyes closed, breathing deeply, when God says to me “you give to appease your guilt.”
Um, EXCUSE me? Rude! Geez louise.
And so began a weekend of hard truths about my own deep, deep, fear-based belief being exposed to me:
That if I don’t give, I won’t be welcome in the places I want to frequent, and won’t get to spend time with the people I enjoy.
That I need to give as the cost of being welcome, because actually, without this cover charge, I’m not acceptable in my own life just for being who I am.
That I need to pay to exist.
This is pretty funny since I’d been beginning to recognize the value that I bring to people and spaces just by being who I am, and saying to God that I’m ready to be paid to exist. And God’s like “how can I pay you to exist if you’re out here believing with every fiber of your being that you have to pay to exist? Explain that one!”
AGAIN with the rudeness!
The next day I was spending time in prayer and God dropped a phrase into my mind: “a whole vessel”. Then he showed me a beautiful drinking vessel, with a shining, iridescent blue mosaic design… and little holes at the bottom of the cup.
This was me. I was leaking. Everything I’d been given to share was being drained away by these tiny holes, instead of being given away through the act of pouring. These tiny holes were all the ways I’d been “giving” motivated by fear, anxiety, guilt, and negotiating for the acceptance of my existence, all of which were completely inappropriate.
It was time to repair the holes, and restore the integrity of the cup – for the vessel to become whole, instead of hole-y.
Another revelation came to me. If giving correctly is giving from being in alignment with joy, then joy is the energy of integrity. Fear, anxiety, and guilt – all the things that feed SHOULD – are not.
The Lord then put me on a giving hiatus to detox the power of should in this area. I immediately proved to myself the necessity of this break by responding with “but what will people think??” *eyeroll*
It’s been a painful experience, one that's caused me to feel slightly nauseous every time a new thing was brought to light, and one that isn’t over yet. I’ve been wondering if this was how Eustace Scrubb felt when Aslan was clawing away layers and layers of dragon hide that were keeping him in bondage: raw and tender.
But if freedom is on the other side, then bring it on.
Core beliefs being confronted here:
- If my life isn’t hard, it doesn’t count.
- There isn't enough for me.
- Feelings are not to be trusted.
- I’m not valuable simply because I exist.
- I’m not worthy of living in abundance.
Chewing on the idea of joy: