A Hard Slog Toward Abundance Pt 2
Just a little delu-lu
A couple weeks after my nausea-inducing weekend of confronting limiting beliefs, another fear came up: the fear of God bringing in and piling up all kinds of wonderful things and opportunities that aligned with my joy for me to say yes to, but which require a financial outlay (including, but not limited to, unexpected trips around the world, taking my kids out for smoothies regularly, a standing weekly date with my husband to our favorite restaurant, and the most expensive shoes I’ve ever bought), and then standing me up when it comes time to pay the bill. I’ve been so afraid of trusting what God is telling me about these things, and then having the rug pulled from under me. Of being abandoned. Of being put to shame.
Why are the opportunities for me to say yes coming up if the extra money to pay for them isn't there first?
Good question. Because lessons in faith, and lessons for Faith, I guess.
Just thinking about my experience from a “reasonable” perspective starts to make me feel defensive. What's going on doesn't make sense, and I'm being foolish for choosing these adventures. I can't trust that some kind of future black swan is going to come in and bring me a windfall that will balance my books – that's how gamblers think! How could I be so irresponsible? How could I burden my family like this?*
Wow, the judgment is real. By all rational accounts, it doesn't make sense. But I *know* something, and that is that God created me to say Yes!, that he will bring the opportunities at the right time, and that I in my integrity will be supported. That if he's going to send me places, then those trips are going to come out of his budget.
When he says yes, I say yes, we say yes. I am worthy of all of his yeses, and I am worthy of living fully in alignment with joy. Because I have become convinced that I am fully supported, I do not have to try to obsessively control my finances, my feelings, or the way others see me. I get to relax, stay curious, give value and receive value, and allow the truth of God's abundance and support of me show up in small ways and big.
Is it crazy? That depends on who you ask. What's become crazy to me is the practice of rationalizing and justifying all the reasons why I shouldn't live a life of joy, abundance, and flow, and telling myself that it's irresponsible and unrealistic to do so. In God's books I am justified, so I am patient and grateful. God delights in bringing delight to me, and to my family as well. We get to keep our eyes open for his blessings together, and celebrate the way he makes our dreams come true.
But what about when he says no???
Here's what I know about the "no" of God. First, that word doesn’t apply to any of his promises – all of those are Yes! Also, his promises are not utilitarian – they’re an enthusiastic celebration of love, joy, and peace, and they include our desires, because God himself gave those to us in the first place. Second, his "no" is never truly a no when our requests are in integrity with joy; even when the answer sounds like "not yet" or "not that way” – it’s always in service of his greater Yes!.
We get to dream huge dreams, practice disabling our need to control the outcome, and stay connected to our curiosity, flexibility, and patience… and we get to leave the how to him. He wants to knock our socks right off. What are we willing to allow ourselves to receive?
*disclaimer: I haven't been doing these things without the agreement and support of my spouse. We’re on the same page. He's almost as crazy as I am.
Chewing on the idea of joy:
A Hard Slog Through Lack in Search of Abundance