Angst

This was originally published September 27th, 2021, when my family was going through some real difficulty. I’m adding it to the TiG compilation because it is a practical application of emotional safety in real life.

My son says to me "I hate things."

I wish he would elaborate, but I’m not sure he can. Yet, at least. 

But then I sometimes have days and weeks that are as hard as his, and when I can’t sleep, the thought that just swirls around in my mind is “I hate things.”

I hate that life isn’t easy. 

I hate that relationships are messy and painful. 

I hate how relentlessly exhausting parenting is. 

I hate that I have to plan and prep and cook food for kids who just want to whine about it, but I also hate how the easy food they crave makes our bodies feel, and I especially hate how meal services for large families are non-existant, or prohibitively expensive. 

I despise the fact that I’m awake at 1am. 

I hate how hard growing is, I hate that I feel like I’m just failing all the time.
I hate feeling. I hate having needs. I hate not being someone better than I am. 

I hate being afraid to be honest about what I hate, because it’s just so gosh darn negative, and the world only wants our light, not our darkness… and truly, it has enough of its own darkness. 

But, I know: 

Light still shines in my darkness, and the darkness can’t overcome it. 

These things I hate are not my enemies, and growth and healing and life will have their own way. 

For these reasons I am safe to feel how I do, and so for now, I hate things.