A struggle with Should that I'm unearthing: feeling like I owe it to some entities (often prominent/popular figures, with interests and vocations similar to mine) to care about what they're doing/what they're writing/what their cause is/who their friends are... because it seems like I should. IÂ should admire, I should applaud, I should at the very least give my attention to and acknowledge their thoughts/work/popularity!Â
Ew, no thanks. And where did this idea come from, anyway?
But then it feels like I'm the bad guy for not giving one single fuck– that I'm a jerk for simply not being interested. Should can always count on its bestie, Guilt, to back it up. But I've finally learned what is very possibly a universal truth: if I act on this false obligation, I'll only get resentful.Â
If I should all over myself with other people's lives, then I feel like there's no space in this wide, wide world for me or what I have to offer, except to fill the role of "groupie." If I give my mental space to someone else's stuff, then I don't have space for my own internal meanderings or actual interests... and if I feel I ought to like anyone on the basis of almost any criteria, it almost guarantees that I won't. Why? Partly because I'm an ornery cuss, but actually because when I SHOULD, then real, live, true feelings of welcome and appreciation and admiration can't grow. Nothing decent grows in the quagmire of compulsion, and no amount lackey-ing resulted in a satisfying life.
So I'm telling that Should to should itself right tf out of my life, and reminding myself that I get to love and honor and respect people for just being– whoever they are, wherever they are. I'm not required to have an opinion on every person, place, or thing, or to choose some side. I don't owe my interest or applause to anything that doesn't inspire it naturally.