Lies We Tell Ourselves

What are the stories you tell you about yourself?
Did you know that you tell yourself stories about you? They’re the things you believe about yourself that you won’t let other people talk you out of; i.e.: “you’re so pretty/smart/good at that!” “Oh, no I’m not– I’m ugly, dumb, and bad at everything, I promise you.”
Every situation that supports this belief you maintain carries about 100 times more weight than any situation that bears evidence to the contrary. It’s complete confirmation bias, but within yourself and about yourself.
Here’s a story I have a history of telling myself that I’ve been digging up and shedding light on: “You don’t belong. No matter where you go, nobody actually wants you here, they just want you to fill some role that nobody else wants to take. You’re just too much, too weird, too intense. If you can take all that nonsense down a few notches and just be useful, then maybe someday you’ll prove that you’re worth having around, and feel like you belong.”
This story has been with me most of my life, and though I can be decently useful, it turns out I’m really bad at not being too much and too weird and too intense. I struggle to trust words or actions or experiences with others that dare suggest I do belong, and feeling perpetually uncomfortable with groups of people is discouraging and exhausting… so I’ll isolate. Escapism is kind of my jam, but fuck, it’s lonely.
Recently as I was confronting this story I have, I realized that can’t nobody else convince me that I belong if I refuse to change my story, if I refuse to tell myself that I belong.
Well this is scary. If I don’t believe I belong, why the I heck should I trust me if I start saying that I do? At this point it comes down to the fact that there’s something that I know which trumps what I feel and all my “evidence.” God says that I belong, and He doesn’t lie. Actually, it’s my story that’s lying to me. What I’ve taken to doing lately when I find myself stuck in my “you don’t belong” loop is throwing a wrench into it. When I feel uncomfortable, I use it as a signal to practice telling myself a different story. “You belong here. You belong here right now, whether you’re actively helping or sitting on your butt. You belong whether you’re taking part in conversation or not. You belong even when you’re too much and weird and intense.”
Telling myself a new story– one that agrees with the truth about me, and not just my conditioned, experienced reality– isn’t usually something I can just do once and have it stick. It’s something I have to keep consciously choosing and speaking over and over. This can feel discouraging, but it makes plenty of sense when I think about how long the old story has been with me. But I can know that every effort makes a difference, because “faith (accepting and believing the true story) comes by hearing, and hearing (and hearing, and hearing, and hearing…) by the word of God.” Romans 10:17
Here are a couple anchors I use so my stories can’t carry me away with them, and that even speak directly to my escapism (rude, God.)
“But now, O Faith, listen to the Lord who created you.
O Faith, the one who formed you says,
‘Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you.
I have called you by name, you are mine.’” Isaiah 43:1
(Yes indeed, try sticking your name into scripture that declares the Lord’s promises sometime. They’re for you.)
“Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in hell, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.”
Psalm 139:7-10