The Most Unpalatable Truth
Can you handle it?
“You’re only acceptable to the extent at which you conform.”
“You’re only lovable to the level at which you excel.”
“You’re only valuable to the degree at which you’re helpful.”
“‘Belonging’ is conditional, you’re not worthy of belonging just because you exist.”
“When it comes to your thoughts and feelings, at best no one cares, and at worst you’ll be judged and persecuted for them.”
“No one cares about your physical wellbeing.”
“No one is going to protect you.”
“You must have all the answers or else you’re liable to be judged – you can’t just not know.”
“You have to choose one side and denounce the other, or you'll be denounced.”
“There’s nothing about you that’s good enough or worthy enough or enough enough to gain approval. Try harder.”
The problem with the lies listed above (Yes, that’s what they are. Are you surprised? Or do you have more to add? Do tell!) is that they’re what so many of us experience as reality, and accept as fact. But how can that be? How can lies literally be facts in our lived experience?
The paradox is mind-boggling, but it’s not that surprising when you stop and consider it generationally: people can only give to other people what they’ve been able to receive.(1, 2) People continue to create what has been continually created around them, whether it reflects the truth or not. People living lives that are only as big as the lies allow believe that that’s all the bigger life can get – being told otherwise is relief to a few, but it’s offensive to many.
But the things that are true about us are true in spite of whether our lived experiences contradict them or not. Depending on those lived experiences of ours, this Truth about us can be the most difficult and even painful thing we’ve ever fought against accepting:
You, right at this moment, just as you are, are acceptable, and welcomed.
You are lovable and adored. You’re valuable and cherished.
You’re worthy. You belong. You’re safe.
Now an exercise: If you read that and your being wants to reject it, try asking yourself these questions:
“What if I am acceptable? What if I am welcome? What if I am lovable? What if God does adore me? What if I’m safe? What if I am??”
Notice how the judgment, the lion, will try to spring up immediately and attack you: “Well if you were, then why a, b, and c? Huh?? What about those?”
Allow your judgment to have its little rant, but try for a minute to detach yourself from that voice, and respond to it with “Sure, but what if I am?”
The voice will keep pushing back; you can expect it. This will give you a chance to notice whose voice it sounds like.
I know the truth of who we are can be hard to swallow, but regularly practicing accepting it – even for just a few seconds at a time – we can build up our tolerance for it, and eventually embrace it. And the more strongly we come to identify with the truth of who we are, the more our lived experience will reflect that truth, and the more the lions will find us hard to swallow.
(1) Alternate reading: Parents or caregivers can only give to children what they’ve accepted for themselves.
(2) But then how do people rise above horrendous upbringings and/or situations? I’d say through a combination of being able to receive from somewhere love and an example of a different reality that allowed them to imagine a hopeful future, and also the ability to differentiate themselves: to reject the stories about their identity of which a miserable reality was trying to convince them.
"Humble yourselves (accept the truth that God speaks about you), therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that at the right time he may exalt you. Casting all your anxieties (all the things you believe that are other than the truth God speaks about you) on him, because he CARES for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (Pay attention! You have an enemy that wants to convince you that you can't be who God says you are so he can weaken and destroy you!)" 1 Peter 5:6-8, with my notes
"By this we shall know that we are of the truth and reassure our hearts before him; for whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything."
1 John 3:20-21
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment (red flag! lion alert!), and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us."
1 John 4:18-19
“So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, ‘if you keep holding onto my words, and don’t let them go, then you truly are my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will liberate you.”
John 8:31-32 (the Faith version. Based on the Greek if you were concerned.)
“The Lord your God is here with you, a victorious warrior who will save you; he will rejoice over you with delight, he will gaze quietly at you in adoration; he will exult over you with loud singing.
‘I will gather those of you in the congregation who are grieving, so you no longer suffer from shame and reproach. Look! I will put pressure on those who have oppressed you. I will save the hurting, and gather the outcasts, I will transform their shame into glory and adoration and world renown. I will always, ALWAYS welcome you and be with you, and lavish praise and adoration on you in front of the whole world, especially the ones who were against you, when I rescue you from their prisons and restore you to your rightful place, much to their displeasure.’”
Zephaniah 3:17-20 (the Faith version, based on the Hebrew)