Ugly Gifts

thanks, I hate it

Today’s post is by a contributor who would like to remain anonymous. However the contributor is me, so unfortunately that’s not going to work. Sorry, Faith.
Dang.

Sometimes I get frustrated by people.

Anybody else? Just me?

I’ll get frustrated by people I like – people I love, even! But actually it’s not the people themselves that are necessarily bothersome, it’s really more how they see things, and how their perspectives dictate their behaviors. The things I judge most harshly usually fall under the category “Things people are allowing to keep them locked up in a prison of their own making even though they know what they truly want, and that prison ain’t it.”

Maybe it’s someone waxing eloquent about a dream of goodness and beauty that they have and then interrupting themself with a big BUT to explain all the reasons why it can never be possible for them.

Maybe it’s someone who sells the generosity of God short, hedging their bets so they don’t fall into the dangerous trap of believing a Gospel that’s seems too good to be true.

Maybe it’s someone who brings so much value to the people they love and to the world, but they feel defective and dysfunctional, and they can’t bring themselves to give the gift they have because of how they judge themselves and devalue their gift.

Maybe it’s someone who hates being treated like garbage, but won’t stand up for themselves and say “NO” because they don’t feel they have the power to do so.

WHY do we allow ourselves to be tied down by these stories?? This shoddy reality we choose to live out that’s separate from the glorious truth of who we are drives me nuts. What the heck is there to be afraid of? Failure? Success? What other people think? Retribution? The freedom of being an eternally adored creature of the Creator?
Like, what?

And then I’ll get trapped in my own head, which is a slippery place, and suddenly I’m sliding down the slope of but, can’t, and shouldn’t, and I’m hiding, and undercutting and shaming myself, and rationalizing my dreams and refusing my blessings, and fearing the judgment of people who are busily stuck in their own prisons, and what the actual heck with this stupid freaking nonsense.

But what am I afraid of?
Even if I feel tired or alone or targeted or aimless, am I not just as valuable as when I’m energetic, flowing with the momentum of the group, feeling safe, and have all my shit together?

Am I not valuable enough to rest securely and nurture myself and my dreams and be grateful for my blessings in such a way that doesn’t leave me susceptible to the voice that says I can never be the entirety of who God made me to be?
I digress.

Anyway, I’ve been noticing how the ways I judge others are directly correlated to the ways in which I feel judged by others, and I’m realizing that it’s symbiotic relationship of toxicity between my own thoughts and feelings and the thoughts/feelings I’ve attributed to other people – that have little to nothing to do with them – by which I judge myself.

As uncomfortable as it is, becoming aware of this stanky, fetid, crap sandwich is a gift.

It’s a gift when I realize that I’m the one holding the whip with which I’ve been practicing my subconscious yet cripplingly painful self-flagellation. It’s a gift when I realize that the way I’ve been hurting myself actually hurts other people, too.

It’s a gift when I can stop and ask myself sincerely, “Do I have to punish myself, or treat myself like I hate me? What are my other options?”

The other day when I was having this conversation with myself, the word “gracious” came to mind, along with how the God of the universe sees me. As I think about and feel into this word, I’m filled with a sense of kindness, warmth, acceptance, joy and magnanimity. Spending time with this word and all it implies puts my being in a state of peace, and the next gift I get is realizing that I get to choose what to extend to myself in my thoughts and behavior… and I want to be gracious.

Do I mess up? Yes, and I can be gracious to myself about it. Have I been an oblivious and awkward weirdo in the past? Yes, and I can be gracious to myself, especially because I know that it’s guaranteed to happen in the future. Do I feel lost and confused and have no idea what the heck I’m doing sometimes? Yes – many times – and I can be gracious about that, too. Nothing listed here, and nothing else I could think up, really deserves my condemnation or self-loathing; it’s only my corrupted old standard that tells me so… and I don’t have to judge myself or anyone else by that nasty thing.

Graciously I get to meet my fears and work through them, and allow myself to be curious and to learn; graciously I get to repair when I screw up, and set boundaries for how I’ll accept being treated, graciously I get to let others live out the journeys of their own lives.

I’m beginning, and it’s a gift.

I used the Emotional Freedom Technique to remove the weight of shame and self-condemnation, and shift myself toward a gracious perspective. If you want to learn more about EFT or work with me, hit the button below.

Judge not, that you not be judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but don’t notice the log that’s in your own? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:1-5

But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Psalm 86:15